I am not a lucky traveler. Usually it’s not my fault. Sometimes the landing gear won’t retract. Sometimes there is a smoke smell in the cockpit. Sometimes there is too much wind in Chicago. I can’t control these things. Yesterday was different. Yesterday I was a moron.

THURSDAY, JULY 12
7:00am. Checked out of my room in sunny Miami, left my suitcase with the bellman, walked to Starbucks for a much-needed jolt before a four-hour meeting.

7:15am. While paying for Venti Skinny Caramel Macchiato, I discovered that my AMEX and driver’s license were not in my wallet. Panicked knowing that I was flying home in a few hours.

7:30am. Provided hotel security guard with a good laugh when I asked if anybody had returned a driver’s license and American Express card. “Good luck, Lady.”

7:40am. Pulled suitcase back from bellman, opened it in the lobby and gently felt for the plastic while praying that my unmentionables didn’t fall out in front of hotel guests and far too many colleagues.

7:45am. Called my husband on his way to work, begged him to turn around and go home for my passport and e-mail a copy to me at the hotel.

8:30am. Stepped out of meeting to retrieve my passport copy and also request a copy of driver’s license from the DMV. Cancelled AMEX. Hotel Business Center rocks.

11:30am. Copy of driver’s license never arrived. DMV sucks.

11:45am. Slipped out of sandals and retraced my steps on a crowded beach thinking that just maybe the items fell out of my pocket on a walk the previous night.

12:00pm. Boarded shuttle to airport armed only with passport copy, bank statement copy, and debit cards.

12:30pm. Stepped up to the American Airlines counter, explained my situation and handed my passport copy to the ticket agent. “I don’t see a reservation for you, Miss Adsit.” Miss Adsit?! I haven’t been Miss Adsit for over eight years. I guess that was the last time I needed my passport. My passport sucks.

1:00pm. Entered into a private interrogation with an unfriendly TSA agent. What is your current address? What is the address where you lived nine years ago? What is the make and model of your current vehicle? What is the make and model of your previous vehicle? What is your husband’s name? What is your husband’s birth date? What was the date of your last menstrual cycle? Oh never mind, that was my doctor.

1:30pm. All questions answered correctly except the one from me…how the pickle do YOU know all of that information about ME?!

3:30pm. Boarded plane to Chicago. Asleep before take-off.

6:50pm. Boarded plane to Madison.

9:30pm. Boarded Tempur-Pedic® Memory Foam mattress.

FRIDAY, JULY 13
5:00pm. Quickly unpacked and tossed clothes from suitcase to laundry chute.

5:05pm. AMEX and driver’s license fly out together almost hitting me in the face.

I suck.